Miguel and Tulio, Mighty and Powerful Heretics
by brigitwritesstuff
Summary: With one week left until Good Friday, Father Diego tries desperately to convert the clueless con men.


A priest caught Miguel and Tulio in the streets, betting and gambling. It being the holy days of Lent, he could not find it in himself to let the "riff-raff" go unaided.

After having made his way to the front of the crowd, he caught their attention immediately. Not too many priests came around. He was a sight to see.

The blond one introduced himself, despite his partner's pleas to pretend not to see him. "Hello Father! I'm Miguel and he-" The man pointed to his friend. "-is Tulio." He lifted his mandolin. "Are you here to play?"

Tulio grabbed the instrument. "No! No, that's just a joke. We're, uh, musicians!"

The priest smiled. "Then where is your instrument?"

His face went red. "I... Lost it."

"I'm sure you did. And good men like yourselves wouldn't be lying to me, would you? Because such is a sin."

The sailors around them laughed. The Father was amused with himself too. "My name is Diego. Would you two come with me?"

Tulio grabbed Miguel's sleeve before he could move. "Actually we were just leaving."

Father Diego grabbed his other sleeve. "This won't even take a second! Come!"

And there they went, dragged from an alley of giggling sailors by a priest who couldn't have been less than 3 years their junior. Into Iglesia Maria Estrella Del Mar. They'd passed by it a million times but never entered. Needless to say, the con artists weren't men of any kind of deity (except maybe themselves).

Father Diego brought them through the doors. They were in a room before arches that lead through to the isle between pews. On either side of the door was a basin of holy water. The priest dipped his hand in and made the sign of the cross on his forehead, chest, and both shoulders. Miguel put the tips of all his fingers in it and made somewhat of an effort at replicating the act. Tulio stuck his entire hand inside and used the water to clean the dirt from his forehead.

"Do you know what time it is?" Father Diego asked as they walked to the alter.

"Around lunchtime I suppose." Migel said.

"No. I-I mean yes, but that's not what I meant. We are approaching on Easter. In merely a week Good Friday will be upon us! Do you know what that means?"

They took their time to think. "Does it mean drinks are half off at the tavern?"

He gesticulated to the Jesus-on-the-cross on the wall above the tabernacle. "It is the day our savior was crucified by the Romans! The commemoration of when he died for our sins!"

The two looked to the crucifix. "Wow, our savoir was muscular." Miguel whispered. Tulio kicked him in the calf for the comment.

"When was the last time you two went to Mass?"

They blinked, still not understanding.

"Ok ok, let me try to make this simple." Father Diego moved them to the left where there was yet another water basin. This one was larger and made of brass. Above it was a painting of a mother and her child, both wearing crowns. Miguel pointed to them. "Who are they?"

"You haven't seen this before? The Virgin and Christ? Our Holy Mother and Jesus?"

Tulio stepped in front of his partner. "I've heard those names before. The sailors mutter about them while we're... Um, playing our music."

He gripped the basin to steady himself. For a young guy who'd spent most of his life in a church, he looked super stressed. "Have either of you even been baptized?"

"Diego, you lost me."

The priest looked them up and down again, trying to assess the situation. "Well, it can't be that bad, right? It's not like your making false idols and murder has gotta be out of the question. I highly doubt that any adultery has gone down with two men who look like-" He waved a finger in their directions.

"Hey!" Tulio argued.

Miguel mumbled "I wouldn't rule out those first two quite yet."

Father Diego rubbed his hands together and clapped. "With the grace of our Lord, we'll get through this! Let's get you two dressed."

Miguel and Tulio were given plain white robes to wear and were told to meet him by the docks. They took back roads to avoid being seen in the strange garb.

Sure enough, there he was. Standing in water up to his knees, calling for them to go in with him. "Over here guys! In the water!"

They exchanged worried looks but entered the ocean nonetheless. Father Diego was practically hopping up and down with joy. "This will be my first baptism! It might even be the first baptism done on two grown men in hundreds of years!"

Tulio felt skeptical about the whole thing as usual. "Look, what do you want us to do here? Are we going for a swim or something?"

He put a hand on both of their shoulders. "Kind of. So, remind me your names again?"

"Miguel and Tulio."

"Yes, of course. And you know that this ceremony is done on the order of our Lord, his apostles and our church, correct? You know this is to remove you from the original sin done by Adam and Eve in The Garden of Eden?"

"Uh, yeah ok. Whatever." They said.

"Do you accept the doctrine of Christ and renounce all that oppose it?"

"If you say so."

"Tell me, Miguel and Tulio, do you want eternal life?"

"Yes!" Miguel said with vigor. Tulio responded affirmatively also, but less enthusiastically.

"Excellent!" Father Diego exhaled onto both of their foreheads, causing them to crinkle their noses at his awful breath. Then, he abruptly pushed both of them underwater.

They came up for air as quickly as they went under. "My God, are you crazy?" Tulio yelled. The priest cupped a hand over his mouth.

"You must be the crazy one! The first thing you do after baptism is use the Lord's name in vain? Where are your manners?"

"I dunno, maybe someone tried to drown them!"

"Oh, calm down. I wasn't going to drown you." He hissed as he waded to shore. "Murder is a sin, remember?"

The two men followed him angrily. From his bag Father Diego had brought circles of bread and a bottle of wine. Tulio grumbled. "At least you have the decency to feed us after trying to kill us."

He ignored the little dig. "When I say 'of Christ', you say 'Amen'."

He put a piece of bread on both their tongues. "Body of Christ."

Chewing, they mumbled "Amen."

Next, he poured wine into their mouths. He used more than he would have given to anyone else as an apology for the surprise baptism. "Blood of Christ."

They gulped it down and said "Amen."

He patted their shoulders and smiled. "Tell me your sins now."

Tulio shook his head. "I'd rather not."

His friend gave him a nudge with his elbow. "Come on, he's a priest! We have to tell him this."

He sighed and let Miguel have a go at it. "We've done it all, Father. We've coveted, lied, disrespected our parents, stolen for a living, and we've even convinced an entire civilization that we're gods! If that's not false idolization than I don't know what is."

Tulio cut in. "And I'll have you know that we've done plenty of adultery, thank you very much."

"Well, that's an awful lot of sin. Good thing I found you. I suggest 200 Hail Mary's each."

They couldn't take a breath to even protest the decision before he was moving them on to the next step. Running through town in soaked baptismal-dress, they were forced into Iglesia Maria Estrella Del Mar again.

"Now I know I'm no bishop, but he won't be around here until it will be too late for you to enjoy Easter as fully-fledged Catholics!" He situated them in front of the alter.

Furiously flipping through his bible, Father Diego read out a few passages which they didn't understand. He then shut the book and spoke. "Do you two still agree to all the things you said earlier in the water?"

"Yes! If you insist on us doing this just get it over with!"

He laid a hand on both of their heads, put chrism on his fingers and anointed them. "You two are now men of the Lord! Do you have anything to say?"

Miguel wiped the chrism off with the back of his hand. "Yeah, got anymore wine?"

"No, you two have had enough. Being drunk in church would be poor etiquette. Can you at least tell me you will be back for Easter Vigil?"

Tulio put a hand on his back. "Sure! But you're going to have to visit us too. I'm sure we'd make a pretty penny off that rosary of yours."

Father Diego grabbed the beads. "Now what would a musician need to sell rosary beads for?"

"You got me." He said, grinning and pointing at him. "Well, this has been fun. See you around."

"You too." He called after them. That had been the best day he'd had since his ordination.


End file.
